Brunch in LA isn’t a meal-it’s a casting call

By Karen Lepp

LA Brunch Personality Disorder (LBPD) is a rapidly spreading psychological condition in which a person confuses eating eggs with becoming the main character.

The disorder is most common in people between the ages of 24 and 41 who say things like:

“I’m honestly just in a really intentional season right now.”

Scientists believe the condition develops after prolonged exposure to:

• 🥛 oat milk
• 📱 startup founders
• 💔 soft-launch relationships
• 🛒 Erewhon/Laurel Supply
• 🕯️ restaurants with more candles than overhead lighting

Though not officially recognized by the medical community, the disease has already reached epidemic levels throughout Los Angeles.

Especially in West Hollywood.

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🚨 EARLY WARNING SIGNS

📅 1. The Reservation Becomes Their Entire Personality

The patient begins talking about brunch reservations the way veterans discuss war.

Examples include:

“We barely got in.”

“You literally have to book two weeks out.”

“There’s no way we’re sitting inside.”

At this stage, the actual food no longer matters.

The reservation itself is the meal.

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☀️ 2. Patio Delusion

Patients become psychologically incapable of eating indoors.

Even if the weather is:

• 🔥 97 degrees
• 💨 windy
• 🌫️ smoky
• 😭 emotionally hostile

they will still insist:

“Can we wait for outside?”

Researchers believe patio seating gives patients the illusion that strangers are secretly watching them thrive.

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🥑 3. Menu-Based Identity Projection

People with LBPD no longer order food based on hunger.

They order based on the version of themselves they’re auditioning for.

Examples:

• 🍵 Matcha latte = spiritually superior
• 🍸 Espresso martini before noon = emotionally exhausting
• 🥚 Egg-white scramble = control issues
• 🍅 Shakshuka = one trip to Lisbon changed their personality
• 🥩 Steak and eggs = crypto guy trying to rebrand as grounded

Nobody is eating.

Everyone is branding.

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🧘‍♀️ 4. The Wellness Monologue

At advanced stages, the patient loses the ability to speak normally.

Every sentence becomes a podcast.

They can no longer say:

“That food upset my stomach.”

Instead they say:

“My body was rejecting the inflammation.”

Other common phrases include:

• ✨ “regulated nervous system”
• 🌙 “high-vibrational”
• 📈 “cortisol spike”
• 🫀 “gut healing”
• 🔮 “doing the work”
• 🤍 “holding space”
• 📵 “dopamine detox”

Nobody knows what any of this means anymore.

Least of all them.

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😌 5. Competitive Casualness

The patient spends approximately four hours preparing to appear effortless.

Symptoms include:

• 👕 $900 worth of “minimalist” clothing
• 🕶️ tiny sunglasses that provide no actual protection
• 👟 vintage sneakers purchased yesterday
• 👜 a tote bag suggesting literacy
• saying:

“I literally just threw this on.”

This is considered one of the most dangerous phases because the patient becomes convinced they are “low maintenance.”

They are not.

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🍽️ 6. Hostess Stand Emotional Instability

The hostess stand becomes the emotional center of the patient’s universe.

Their self-worth now depends entirely on:

• 📍 table placement
• 👀 visibility
• 💅 proximity to attractive people
• 😍 whether the hostess recognizes them
• 💧 and how quickly water arrives

Patients may spiral if seated:

• 👨‍👩‍👧 near families
• 📸 next to tourists
• 🪑 or anywhere with “bad energy”

One patient reportedly left a restaurant after discovering her table was “giving corporate lunch.”

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🍟 7. Public Performance Eating

The patient orders fries “for the table” then eats exactly one.

This is followed by:

“I’m being sooo bad today.”

before consuming:

• 🍹 three tequila cocktails
• 🍸 an espresso martini
• 🚬 and somebody else’s emotional support vape

Medical experts describe this as “calorie laundering.”

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🧠 FINAL STAGE LBPD

In severe cases, patients begin referring to restaurants as:

“our little hidden spot”

despite discovering it from a TikTok posted 14 hours earlier.

At this point, the disease becomes irreversible.

The patient may eventually evolve into:

• 🌿 a wellness founder
• 💻 a creative consultant
• 🎨 a brand strategist
• 🧬 or someone named Sage who wants to tell you about breathwork

There is currently no cure.

Only relocation.